The Great Body-Swapping Debacle
by pupeez4eva
Summary: "He's sitting in the Great Hall, and Dumbledore is making really weird sounds — what the hell is "oh hon hon hon" anyway? — and Harry realises yet again that something is very wrong." - Wherein the nations end up in the bodies of the Hogwart's professors, and all hell breaks loose.


They're not really sure how it happens — England's doing magic (although America thinks he's delusional) and Italy trips and dumps some pasta on his head, and England screams, and then there's a flash of light, and they're here.

…Okay, so maybe they do know how it happened.

Doesn't mean it makes any sense though.

They're all standing around, not really sure what to do. France is wondering why he suddenly feels so _old_ — and is that _white_ hair?! — America is tripping over a set of billowing robes, Italy is too busy wailing about the loss of his pasta to notice any changes, and England —

England is staring at a nearby mirror with a mixture of disbelief and awe.

It takes them a while to realise that they all resemble character's in that Harry Potter series England won't stop talking about (and that they would never admit to have read, because England _really_ didn't need the resulting ego-boost).

"…This doesn't mean that Iggy isn't crazy!" America declares, as pokes at his new, greasy hairdo.

"Shut up you idiot," England grumbles.

...

They know something is wrong the moment Snape bursts into class, because — he's _smiling_. Professor Snape is smiling, and that means something is very, very wrong. Harry has the sudden thought, _"sweet Merlin, did Voldemort win?"_ before Snape is talking, and any nightmarish thoughts are overshadowed by the insanity in front of him.

"Hey, what's up guys?!"

Snape does _not_ talk like that.

Judging from their gaping faces, and wide eyes, everyone agrees with him.

"So dudes — " _'Dudes?!'_ " — potions class, huh? How awesome is that! And you're being taught by the hero himself!"

Snape raises his arm and strikes a weird pose. The class sit there, staring, because seriously — _what the bloody hell?_

"Uh…so…which one of you is Hermione?"

Hermione lets out a little yelp, and looks horrified.

Snape's head is whipping from side to side as he scans the classroom, and he looks ridiculous. Hermione stares for a moment, her eyes wide, and finally, her need to be the perfect student outweighs her sense of self-preservation.

She warily raises her hand.

Snape grins and points at her. "You're supposed to be super smart, right?!"

Hermione swallows. "Uh…I…suppose so…?"

"So come up here!"

Hermione stands up hesitantly, and walks over.

"Right!" Snape claps her on the back, and Hermione yelps, staggering forward. "Everyone — Hermione will be teaching you today!"

"…I'm sorry?" Hermione says, echoing the mindset of pretty much everyone in the room. Harry briefly wonders if he is joking, but quickly dismisses the thought. Snape isn't capable of joking. Which means that the man has either lost his mind, or this is an imposter.

(But then, was he supposed to believe that this was a _Death Eater?)._

…Right. Snape was crazy then.

"You're teacher for the day!" Snape says, cheerily, and _pats Hermione on the head._ "Have fun kid."

Hermione gapes. "I can't just — "

"Nuh-uh!" Snape waves a finger in front of her face. "There's no such thing as 'can't'! I get that you aren't from a super cool country like _America_ , but you can totally do this!"

He then mumbles something that sounds suspiciously like, _"because I always skipped past the actual teaching bits."_

Ron leans in, and whispers, "What's _wrong_ with him?"

"Why would you want a _Mudblood_ teaching us?!" Draco says from the back of the room. Apparently the fact that his favourite professor (and the only professor that tolerates his smug ferret face) has clearly gone insane is affecting him.

Snape beams. "Hey, that rhymes!"

…Something is _very, very wrong._

 _..._

"And dudes, that's the end of the day! Oh and Hermione, you're in that…Griffin-dude house, right?"

"…Gryffindor?" Hermione looks slightly more confident than she did at the beginning of the lesson, but she's still shooting Snape wary glances, as if he might stab her in the back when she isn't looking, or perhaps clap her on the shoulder again (because apparently Snape is creepily strong. Seriously, what in Merlin's name is up with _that?_ ).

Snape nods. "Yeah, well…like, a million points to Gryffindor."

Hermione chokes. Everyone else follows in suit.

"You can't do that!" Draco yells, outraged.

Snape shrugs. "Fine then, everyone can have a million points! Because I'm the hero!"

Harry wonders if he should feel happy, but all he feels is numbness. There's also the repeated mantra of _"what the hell is happening?"_ echoing in his mind.

Snape looks around the room and grins. It's a terrifying sight.

"Hey, this teaching thing is kind of fun…not as great as being the hero though. Hey Harry, when's that Voldie dude stopping by?"

...

Their Transfiguration lesson starts fairly normally. McGonagall doesn't seem different, which makes them think the thing with Snape was a one off thing. Not _everyone_ is insane, just one professor, who wasn't very stable to begin with.

McGonagall has brought scones for all of them. Sure it's a little bit too nice for her, but it's not completely outside the realm of possibility (unlike the image of a smiling Professor Snape), so no one worries too much.

Harry feels a slight sense of foreboding when he lifts the scone to take a bite, but he brushes it off.

He regrets this moments later when the taste of something — he's not even sure what, but he knows it's _bad_ , possibly the worst thing he's ever tasted — hits him, and he throws up.

...

McGonagall was clearly trying to poison them. And she's succeeded somewhat, because even though none of them are dead, they all wish they were.

They're all sitting in the Hospital Wing, and they're all sick — some people are throwing up, some are clutching their stomachs, letting out moans of pain, and some — the lucky ones in Harry's opinion — are semi-consicous. Some are even _unconscious_ , which — well, damn them. Harry would kill to be knocked out right now. Not just because he feels bloody awful, but also because Madam Pomfrey has gone mad, and he _really_ doesn't want to deal with this right now.

"Ha! You losers are clearly unawesome if you were beaten by _England's_ cooking!"

Harry whimpers, and clutches his stomach.

"Please," Hermione says, her voice shaking, "can't we have a potion or…something?"

The fact that Hermione doesn't know exactly what she's talking about just goes to show how bad things are.

"Potions?!" Madam Pomfrey throws back her head and laughs. "You think I got this buff and awesome by drinking potions?! Go outside and work it off!"

Ron, who has been staring desperately at the bucket Neville is emptying his stomach into (because apparently they only have a limited supply of buckets — wizards just aren't prepared for the moment their medic goes crazy, and forgets that she has things like magic and potions to make people feel better), suddenly gives up on waiting, and throws up on his shoes.

"Oh Merlin, why?" he whimpers.

Malfoy is practically rolling on the floor, his skin a weird mix of grey and sickly green. He lets out a series of garbled moans.

"What did he say?" Ron chokes out.

"…I think he said 'my father will hear about this'," Hermione says, her brow furrowed.

"Oh god yes," Ron shakes his head frantically. "Please… _please_ tell your dad."

...

Throughout that entire day, all Harry could think was, _'I need to speak to Dumbledore.'_

Now he's sitting in the Great Hall, and Dumbledore is making really weird sounds — what the hell is _"oh hon hon hon"_ anyway? — and Harry realises yet again that something is very wrong.

"Why does he keep doing that?" Ron asks, shooting wary glances in Dumbledore's direction.

Harry shrugs weakly. Who knows why anyone does anything lately.

While most people look confused, some of the girls — and a few of the boys — look very uncomfortable. The simple reasoning behind this is that they have had face-to-face encounters with Dumbledore earlier than day.

They did _not_ like what they saw.

Lavender remembers her meeting with Dumbledore with a mixture of dread and incredulity.

 ** _"Oh hon hon hon!"_**

 ** _"…Professor Dumbledore?"_**

 ** _"You — Mademoiselle! What is your name?"_**

 ** _"…Lavender Brown, sir."_**

 ** _"Lavender! Such a beautiful name! I was so distressed, thinking, 'why must these english uniforms be so hideous? They are loose and shapeless, and hide the beauty of the female figure!"_**

 ** _"…"_**

 ** _"But you, Mademoiselle, have proved me wrong! For as that grotesque fabric hugs your figure, it transforms into a truly — "_**

 ** _"YOU PERVERTED FROG, SHUT THE HELL UP!"_**

Lavender is just happy McGongall had showed up and dragged Dumbledore away, because she did not want to know the rest of that sentence. Of course, that was before the Transfiguration Scone Disaster, but still.

"I have decided to make a few adjustments to these hideous uniforms. Italy, if you will?"

No one is sure why Professor Dumbledore is calling Professor Flitwick 'Italy', but any confusion about this is overshadowed by the nightmare they are soon faced with.

Professor Flitwick is standing in front of them, beaming widely, and all they can think is _'too much thigh, too much knee, WHY?!'_

"Ooh! Big Brother Fra - I mean, Big Brother Dumbledore, it feels so _nice!_ It's almost as good as Pasta!"

He then proceeds to twirl around, while everyone else stares in horror. Apparently Dumbledore has decided to redesign the Hogwarts uniform. And apparently 'redesign' means 'take a standard Hogwarts robe, chop off about half of it, and and get Professor Flitwick to model it for everyone.'

It occurs to Harry that this probably means they will have to wear that monstrosity, and he feels the sudden urge to cry. He also wonders if the Dursleys will be willing to take him back. Honestly, he'd take the cupboard over this.

"My father will hear of this!" Malfoy wails.

...

Things go back to normal the next day, thank _Merlin._

Of course, the students are scarred, and the Professors are confused, so things really aren't that great.

Meanwhile, back in their bodies, the nations decide that they should really do that again sometime.  
 **…**

 **AN:**

 **So…it's been a very long time since I've written for either of these fandoms. So I have no idea if that was any good, or if it was just a complete mess.**

 **Hopefully you enjoyed it though… :)**

 **Oh and hopefully I was clear about who everyone was — but if anyone's confused:**

 **Snape: America**  
 **McGonagall: England**  
 **Dumbledore: France**  
 **Madam Pomfrey: Prussia**  
 **Professor Flitwick: Italy**

 **And all of the teachers were replaced by nations, I just didn't describe all of the encounters haha.**


End file.
